Ah, taxes—the inevitable price we pay for living in a “civilised” society. Yes, I’m throwing up air quotes around “civilised,” because what civilisation taxes you to death—and then taxes you on death? But before we go down that rabbit hole, let’s talk about why we need taxes. No, really, let’s start on a positive note, just to ease you into the madness.
Imagine a world without taxes. No NHS to patch you up when you take a tumble off your bike, no firefighters to save your cat stuck in the tree, no teachers to teach the next generation of taxpayers how to avoid taxes (good luck with that!). Our police? Well, they’d be volunteering their services out of sheer goodwill. And let’s not forget the small things like getting the grass cut in the park so your dog has somewhere nice to poop. Taxes fund all of these essential services that make life liveable, sometimes even enjoyable.
But how is your tax money split up, you ask? Oh, let’s break it down for you. Out of every £100 you cough up to the taxman, a chunk of it goes to the NHS, because let’s face it, we all love free healthcare—even if “free” means paying through the nose for it with every paycheck. Another portion of that £100 will fund education, because those school buildings won’t just appear out of nowhere, and our teachers deserve more than apples for their troubles. Firefighters, police officers, local services—they all take a slice of that pie. And yes, some of it even goes to cutting the grass in the local park. Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll even pick up the litter.
Now, let’s talk about how many times you get taxed. Spoiler: It’s a lot. You earn money from your hard work? Great! The government says, “Congratulations, now give us a chunk of that.” This is called income tax, and it’s the first of many hands to reach into your wallet. But wait, you want to drive to work? Not so fast! You’ll need to pay tax on the fuel to get you there. And don’t forget about the road tax, a delightful little fee that you assume goes towards fixing the very potholes that are currently destroying your car’s suspension. Spoiler again: It doesn’t.
So, you’ve earned money, been taxed on it, paid for fuel, paid for the privilege of driving on roads that resemble the surface of the moon, and now you’d like to buy something nice for yourself. Maybe some food? Boom, another tax! VAT, to be precise. Yes, that’s right, you’re taxed for the simple act of purchasing something, even if it’s the most basic of necessities. And let’s not forget that the shopkeeper who sold it to you has already paid tax on the goods too. Double-dipping? Nah, this is a whole new level of dipping—a dip so deep it’s practically a crater.
Now, onto National Insurance. It sounds so friendly, doesn’t it? Like you’re insuring your nation against… what, exactly? In reality, it’s another tax, thinly disguised as something that should be helping to pay for your healthcare and pensions. But, surprise! We’re living longer than ever, which means the money pot is running dry. Solution? Raise taxes! And when you finally get to the age where you can draw a pension—after a lifetime of being taxed, mind you—guess what? You get taxed on that too! Isn’t life just full of delightful little surprises?
let’s talk about something that affects us all eventually—funerals. After a lifetime of being taxed on everything from your income to your savings, to the very air you breathe (it feels like that, doesn’t it?), the least the country could do is foot the bill for your final farewell. Funerals should be free, plain and simple. Think of it as a thank you from the nation—a small token of appreciation for the fact that you’ve spent your entire working life propping up the system. After all, if you’ve spent decades paying into the national pot, shouldn’t the country cover the cost of seeing you out of it?
But no surprise surprises, let’s talk about savings. You’ve been diligent, squirrelling away money for a rainy day, and now you want to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Well, the taxman says, “Hold on there, you’ve got savings? We’ll just take a bit more from that too, thanks!” And just when you think you’ve had enough, along comes the final curtain call: death. Even in death, the taxman isn’t done with you. You’d think dying would be the one tax-free event in your life, but no! Funeral costs? Taxed. And if you’re generous enough to leave a bit of money to your loved ones, guess what? Inheritance tax! Yes, your family gets taxed on money and property that you’ve already been taxed on multiple times.
When we talk about the cost of the armed services, it’s hard not to get dizzy just thinking about the figures involved. Take the Typhoon Eurofighter, for instance—each one of these bad boys costs a staggering £25 million. That’s right, one single aircraft costs more than most of us could dream of earning in a hundred lifetimes. And let’s not forget, that’s just the sticker price. Once you factor in maintenance, training, and the actual cost of deploying it in combat, the price tag skyrockets. So, if we were to get ourselves involved in a full-blown conflict, we’d quickly find ourselves broke unless we introduced a war tax. Yes, a war tax—because apparently, there’s no limit to how creative we can get when it comes to squeezing every last penny out of the taxpayer.
It’s almost as if the government has a special talent for finding new ways to tax us. If we were charged for each time we grumbled about taxes, I’m sure they’d find a way to slap a “grumble tax” on that too. The cycle is endless. You get taxed when you earn, taxed when you spend, taxed when you save, taxed when you die, and then taxed after you die. You’ve heard of recycling, right? Well, this is tax cycling.
So, what’s the solution? Well, short of moving to a desert island and living off coconuts (which I’m sure they’d find a way to tax too if they could), we’re stuck with it. But hey, at least we get the NHS, roads, schools, and yes, freshly cut grass in the park. Even if we’re being taxed out of our minds for it.
And so, the next time you’re begrudgingly filling out that tax return, just remember: you’re not alone. We’re all in this together, getting taxed from the cradle to the grave. But hey, at least the grass is cut, right?
But on a positive note for the first time in 40 years I actually got a tax rebate this year. So I guess there is a positive in there somewhere???!